How to Make Mayonnaise Like a Free Man (Without Seed Oils)
Listen up, friend. If you’re tired of store-bought mayonnaise made with industrial seed oils and a laundry list of unpronounceable ingredients, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. You don’t need a lab coat or a factory to make mayonnaise. All you need is a bowl, a whisk, and the guts to trust your own two hands. Let’s get to it.
The Problem with Seed Oils
Seed oils—soybean, canola, sunflower, and their ilk—are the darlings of modern food processing. Cheap, shelf-stable, and utterly devoid of nutritional virtue. They’re the culinary equivalent of a fast-talking salesman: flashy, convenient, and bad for you in the long run. If you’re serious about what you put in your body, you’ll ditch them. And that includes the so-called “healthy” mayonnaise on the grocery shelf. Trust me, it’s not.
The Solution: Make Your Own
Making mayonnaise is not rocket science. It’s simpler than tying your shoes, and it doesn’t require a degree in chemistry. All you need are a few basic ingredients and the willingness to try. Here’s how to do it like a free man (or woman).
The Recipe: Mayonnaise for the Self-Reliant
Ingredients:
- 2 egg yolks: Fresh, pastured, and preferably from a chicken you know by name. If you’re squeamish about raw eggs, get over it or use pasteurized ones.
- 1 cup of good oil: Skip the seed oils. Use extra virgin olive oil (mild, unless you like bitterness), avocado oil (neutral and rich), or even melted ghee if you’re feeling adventurous.
- 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard: Optional, but it helps with emulsification and adds a touch of sophistication.
- 1/2 teaspoon salt: Real salt, not the iodized table stuff.
- 1-2 teaspoons lemon juice: Optional, but it brightens the flavor. Skip it if you’re a purist.
- Instructions:
- Separate the yolks: Crack two eggs and separate the yolks from the whites. If you don’t know how to do this, learn. It’s a skill every self-respecting adult should have.
- Whisk the yolks: Put the yolks in a bowl. Add the mustard (if using) and salt. Whisk until smooth. This is your foundation. Don’t skimp on the effort.
- Add the oil—slowly: Here’s where most people mess up. Start with a few drops of oil and whisk like your life depends on it. Once the mixture starts to thicken, you can add the oil in a thin, steady stream. If you dump it all in at once, you’ll end up with a greasy mess. Patience, friend.
- Adjust and taste: If the mayo is too thick, add a splash of water. If it needs a bit of zing, add lemon juice. Taste it. Adjust the salt. This is your creation—own it.
- Store it: Put it in a jar and refrigerate. It’ll keep for about a week, but let’s be honest—it won’t last that long.
Why Bother?
Because you’re not a slave to the system, that’s why. Because you deserve to know what’s in your food. Because real mayonnaise—made with real ingredients—tastes better. And because self-reliance is its own reward.
As Robert Heinlein once wrote, “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.” I’d add “make mayonnaise” to that list. It’s a small skill, but it’s yours. And in a world full of shortcuts and compromises, that counts for something.
So grab a whisk and get to it. The mayonnaise won’t make itself.